so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
