i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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