apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Randomize
