Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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