Whod you bang
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
