watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
