Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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