Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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