Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
