I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
