Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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