yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
