When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
