The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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