This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
