I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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