What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
