Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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