I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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