Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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