The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
