I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We got so high we made milksteak
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
