i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
