just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
