I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
