Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
