I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
