his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
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That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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