Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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