Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
This show inspires me to have sex in space
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
