I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
