apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
