No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize