Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
