I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
