I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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