Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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