he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
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Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I have fence marks all over my body
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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