my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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