just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize