You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
