3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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