Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
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Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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