I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
