I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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