I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The uberlube is also flammable
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD