he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing