1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This house was built for laser tag.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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