I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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