apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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