Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
