You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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