somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
pray to the hookup gods
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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