you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
