My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
