well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
