Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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