i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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